Why Your Team Sucks 2017: Seattle Seahawks – Deadspin

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Some people are fans of the Seattle Seahawks. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the Seattle Seahawks. This 2017 Deadspin NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far here.

Your team: Seattle Seahawks.

Your 2016 record: 10-5-1. And that one tie wiped out any goodwill you people got from beating the Patriots in Week 10.

Your coach: Serial gum torturer Pete Carroll, who nearly cost this team a draft pick because he violated offseason practice rules, all in the name of COMPETITION. Goddamn, if I have to hear one more story about how the Seahawks want everyone in practice to COMPETE, I will fly an airplane directly into Pete’s head. Maybe if your practices weren’t so competitive, you wouldn’t have players flipping off coaches and the team woman-beater attempting Mortal Kombat fatalities on his own teammates.

And they still keep throwing on the fucking goal line!

Your quarterback: He’s somewhere in there…

“Open your mind, Mister Quaid.” FUN FACT: I was watching TV with my kids this summer and the Kids’ Choice Sports Awards were on Nick. Russell Wilson was hosting that night, and let me tell you people something: I have NEVER seen Russell Wilson happier than he was hosting that show. He was RADIATING. Ebullient. Aglow. He was happier hosting that show than he was filming a post-coital Vine with his old lady. Stick Russell in the middle of the corniest, lamest, most generic, most brandified event ever, and he is in ecstasy. He is the Second Coming of Ahmad Rashad down to every last cell. Russell Wilson makes my flesh crawl, and I’m not alone. Ask his teammates!

According to witnesses, Sherman threw the ball back to Wilson and yelled, “You fucking suck!” Another fight broke out.

YES YES YES. GIVE IT TO ME. INJECT IT INTO MY SPINE.

A man who vowed to live in transparency — Wilson famously announced that he was refraining from premarital sex with his then-girlfriend, Ciara — required guests to sign nondisclosure agreements before entering his box at Mariners games.

What an asshat!

Every Christmas, Wilson gives each player two first-class tickets on Alaska Airlines, one of his endorsements. “It didn’t cost him anything,” one Seahawk told an assistant coach last year. “Big deal.”

YEAH WILSON YOU CHEAP FUCK.

Carroll hosts “Tell the Truth Monday” during the season, when he breaks down film. Some Seahawks joke that it should be renamed “Tell the Truth to Certain People,” because Wilson seems exempt from criticism.

You could strand me on a desert island and give me only this Seth Wickersham article to read about the Seahawks despising Russell Wilson, and I would be a contented man until death.

As for actual football, Wilson be running for his life behind what will again be one of the worst lines in football, and half his teammates will probably be cheering for him to break his clavicle. LT George Fant already had his knee explode. By midseason, Wilson’s gonna trot out there wearing a full exoskeleton body brace. To fortify this line, the Seahawks signed draft bust Luke Joeckel and then traded a fifth rounder for this dude:

You’re gonna see more Trevone Boykin this year that you ever thought you would.

What’s new that sucks: One of the most beloved players in franchise history decided to unretire and join the Raiders, who only had to swap low-end picks with Seattle to get them to agree to let him walk to their former division rival. Meanwhile, Eddie Lacy is here and has to weigh in more often than children at a fat camp. The team also signed Blair Walsh to replace Steven Stephen Hauschka, which is like trading cholera for dysentery. I know you cocky Seattle fans think your team has magically “cured” Blair’s yips just because he’s had a decent preseason. That’s gonna make it all the sweeter when he fucks you good. You hear me? HE WILL FUCK YOU GOOD. He better. So help me God he better be every bit as erratic as he was in Minnesota or I will eat broken glass.

Rookie Malik McDowell got hurt in an ATV accident. I’m stunned, usually because it’s white guys who get into ATV wrecks. Your average white baseball player spends all offseason joyriding ATVs around in abandoned copper mines and getting his arms torn off in the process.

What has always sucked: This team is broken down and shitty. You can already see the window of opportunity sealing shut. Beast Mode is playing elsewhere. Wilson will be permanently hobbled forever behind that line. Earl Thomas broke his leg and nearly retired. And Richard Sherman was a breath away from getting traded. Hell, both sides were acting like this was a inevitable, conscious uncoupling before the Seahawks had to suck it up and keep him. And there’s NOTHING to indicate that the enmity between Sherman and Wilson has subsided, mostly because Sherman is a moody penis. Is anyone buying his whole “iron sharpens iron” garbage? Of course not. Sherman is just as much of an attention whore as the QB he despises. Maybe they’ll clutch and grab their way to another division title, but this little run of theirs will end soon enough.

And thank God for that. These loser Seahawks fans always go to great lengths to present themselves as The Good Ones: real-deal diehards who manage to be completely unlike the standard brutish, uncultured, asshole fans of other teams. You’re supposed to be okay with Seattle fans because they, like, hike and shit. But you and I know better. You and I know THIS is the 12th Man:

When the Legion of Boom has dissolved and Wilson retires to host NBA Inside Stuff 2: Inside Stuffier!, all the casual fans will fuck off back to app development and THAT guy right there is who will be left at the Clink, getting smashed and acting like a deranged prick. Your future is your past, Seattle. Now give Cassius Marsh his Magic: The Gathering cards back.

And for real, FUCK Frank Clark.

Cortez Kennedy died.

Did you know? Doug Baldwin does fake news! Fake pooping > Fake news.

What might not suck: Oh, this Michael Bennett take. Oh, how I still hunger for real, old school, printed-in-ink takes from cranky sitcom dads:

Bennett’s outspoken advocacy for equality is laudable, and any reasonable person shares his loathing of segregation, riots and oppression.

BUT!

But there’s a problem about this “platform” he mentioned. It’s not entirely his and his alone. From the the moment he takes the field before kickoff, and the moment he returns to locker room after the final gun, Bennett belongs to a team.

I love a good BUT-ing. This John McGrath fella has a real future in serving takes up to terminally ill Mitch Albom fans.

HEAR IT FROM SEAHAWKS FANS!

Michael:

There we were, one fucking yard from rubbing it in Brady’s dumb pretty boy face and cementing ourselves as a dynasty with the greatest defense of all time when our QB, who couldn’t rub two brain cells together before he got concussed, tossed a gimme INT. I was hosting a party and some dude who was the only Pats fan there celebrated so hard he shotgunned a beer and body slammed my coffee table. All in all it was one of the better parties I’ve thrown but fuck that guy and fuck this team.

Bryan:

Fuck Blue Friday.

Devin:

The only reason Tom Cable is still the OLine coach must be that he has incriminating photographs of Pete Carroll melting steel beams.

Marquise:

The powers that be are hell bent on wasting what’s left of a great defense and trying to get the best quarterback we’ve ever had killed with a comically awful offensive line. If Russell Wilson dies on the field, Pete Carroll and John Schneider should be charged with manslaughter.

Cam:

If you think St. Louis Cardinals fans are bad (they are), then you’ve never seen Seahawks fans bust a collective nut when they raise the 12th Man flag.

Pete Carroll still likes Macklemore.

Pat:

The other day I heard a man boast that he’s been a diehard fan since 2013.

Mark:

Fuck Paul Allen with a plutonium piledriver.

Brock:

Our starting quarterback is openly despised by 1/2 the team.

John:

Russell Wilson thinks he’s the market correction for Warren Moon’s edginess.

Every day I see a 51 year-old white Seattlite climb out of their Infiniti and ask a young black man with long hair if they are Richard Sherman, through a full mouth of whipped cream from their Frappuccino.

Dave:

This team has become every bit as obnoxious and annoying as the Warriors, with less championships. Every year the offensive line is the worst in the league, but they insist on drafting some project that is two years away from being two years away and played offensive line in high school. Russell Wilson has yet to take the blame for anything that goes wrong.

Tim:

God bless the Falcons for valiantly taking the Epic Super Bowl Chokejob mantle away from us. Now we get to pretend like Super Bowl 49 never happened. Whatever humility Seahawk fans gained from that experience is now lost forever…. we’re going to be as obnoxious as ever.

Matthew:

This half-decade stretch of quality, competitive football has been marked with an underlying sadness that this is probably the best sports is ever going to make me feel in my lifetime. Like every year, fuck Jerramy Stevens.

Collin:

Experiencing the “Twelves” and/or “12th Man” in Seattle has turned me into a Sounders fan. Fuck the Sounders.

Nick:

Will someone please put Tom Cable out of our misery? We’re looking at another season with the worst offensive line in football. I can’t deal with this anymore.

Anthony:

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